A woman writes to technical support guy



Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 & I noticed distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.  Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed

--  

REPLY

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyouloveme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the  background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 6.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!


The Demon Star

The Demon Star

Ah! Algol! Your evil eye enchants me.
Evil - did I say? O, forgive me I pray
For there's nothing evil I can see
What a pity that mythological narrate
You the Demon Star because of
Your remarkable coruscation which
Led to speculation that you
Must be evil and
Then left you to that fate

Please us! Do you not resent it,
Mythology should so present it?

Algol! From after your very variation
Incites the imagination
To overwhelming admiration
For so called Demon star
 

TIME, YOU OLD GYPSY MAN

TIME, YOU OLD GYPSY MAN
 ..... Ralf Hodgson

Time, you old gipsy man,
   Will you not stay
Put up your Caravan
    Just for one day?

All things I'll give you
Will you be my guest,
Bell's for your jennet
Of Silver the best,
    Goldsmiths shall beat you
     A great golden ring,
      Peacock shall bow to you
     Little boy sing.
Oh, and sweet girls will
Festoon you with may,
Time, you old gipsy
Why hasten away?

Last week in Babylon,
Last night in Rome,
Morning, and inthe crash
Under Paul's dome;
Under Paul's dial
You tighten your rain -
Only a moment,
And off once again
Off to some city
Now blind in the womb,
Off to another
Ere that's in the tomb,

Time, you old gipsy man,
    Will you not stay
Put up your caravan
    Just for one day

 

Awesome Answers in IAS Examination:

Awesome Answers in IAS Examination: (Cut and paste from an email received)

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23rd Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A: The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Dinner.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid (UPSC 33 Rank)
 

Valentine's Day Quotations

Valentine's Day Quotations

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
-Aristotle
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
-Lao Tzu
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.
-Henry Ward Beecher
Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
-Anais Nin
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires;
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
-Helen Keller
Love does not dominate; it cultivates.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.
-Zora Neale Hurston
Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love.
-Leo Tolstoy
Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
-Dorothy Parker
I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.
-Alice Walker
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda, "Love Sonnet XVII"

The farmer & the yuppie

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government' , says Bud. 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .

Now give me back my dog

Governmentium

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

Effort and Experience

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap......... ......... ........ $ 9, 998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!

चितळे द ग्रेट

चितळ्यांचं कुमठेकर रस्त्यावरील दुकान. वेळ रात्री आठ वाजता म्हणाजे दुकान बंद होण्याची. मालक चितळे स्वत: कुलूप लावायच्या तयारीत..
त्याच क्षणी एक माणूस बंद होणार्‍या शटरच्या खालून जवळपास लोळण घेत आत घुसला...
चितळ्यांनी त्याला आडवायचा प्रयत्न केला पण तरीही तो चिवट माणूस शेवटी घुसलाच.
चितळ्यांनी खवळून त्याला काय पाहिजे म्हणून विचारलं...
" बाकरवडी.." अपेक्षित उत्तर आले.
"किती वाजले घड्याळात...? आठ वाजले ते दिसत नाही. का घड्याळ चुकीची वेळ दाखवतंय.. तसं असेल तर बाकरवडी ऐवजी घड्याळ घ्या... " चितळे त्याच्यावर वतागले.
" मला बाकरवडी हवीय.."
" मिळणार नाही.. दुकान बंद झालेय... उद्या या.."
" बाकरवडी.."
"शक्य नाही... आता बाहेर पडा आधी..."
चितळ्यांचा संताप अनावर झाला. तो माणूस बाहेर पडत नाही हे बघून चितळ्यांनी शटर ओढले आणि तो माणूस आणि चितळे स्वत: दुकानात कोंडले गेले..
दोन मिनिटांनी आतला वाद वाढला तशी बाहेर गर्दी जमा झाली. गर्दी वाढतच गेली तसे वादही वाढले. मग आतून मारामारीचे, आपटाआपटीचे आवाज ऐकायला येऊ लागले.. काहीतरी फुटल्याचे आवाज आणि माग कुणाचातरी जोरात ओरडण्याचा आवाज... गर्दी अवाक होऊन बघत होती.
इतक्यात शटर परत किलकिले झाले आणि तो माणूस जिवाच्या आकांताने बाहेर पडला आणि पळायला लागला... मागोमाग चितळे बाहेर आले. चिडलेले, घामेजलेले पण तरीही चेहर्‍यावर एक समाधान घेऊन...
" काय झालं हो...?" गर्दीतून कुणीतरी विचारले.
" बाकरवडी पाहिजे होती... आठ वाजल्यानंतर याला.. आणि नाही म्हटले तर हातघाईवरच यायला लागला... मग दाखवले चौदावे रत्न... आठ वाजता बाकरवडी मागतो म्हणजे काय... वेळेचे भान आहे की नाही.."
" कोण होता हो...?" गर्दीतील उस्तुक प्रेक्षकाने विचारले...
" होता कुणीतरी मद्रासचा... शिवाजी गायकवाड म्हणून... "
चितळ्यांनी शटर ओढून कुलूप लावले आणि ते घराकडे निघाले...